Its Friday–who’s excited?! Any fun weekend plans?
I should be getting pumped for a fun-filled Friday night–
Arden and I are trying out the “raunchy ride” at a new spin studio. How fun does that sound? (Truth: my main motivation for going might be that its taught by the hottest yoga/spin instructor I’ve ever seen. #sorryimnotsorry) Then we’re meeting Mom and Dad for dinner and a movie.
This movie, to be precise. Will Ferrell and Zach Galifianakis together? I might pee in my pants.
(ps. this is the first time I tried to embed a video in a post, and its supposed to be really easy–copy and paste the URL–so hopefully it works *fingers crossed*)
It should be a really fun night!
So why I am totally and completely dreading it–sitting on my couch at 10:00am agonizing about 6:00pm?? (Its 8 hours away, y’all!) My hands are shaking, my right leg bouncing incessantly, I’m holding back tears, and my lip just started bleeding because I’ve been chewing on it so hard. I know this routine. Pretty soon all my nail polish will be picked off, my newly manicured cuticles will be bleeding and chewed to oblivion. It’ll be another two weeks before they’re back to normal (and that’s only if I can go two weeks without another episode like this one).
Bye, bye pretty self-mani
My mom this morning asked if I would be up to a food challenge today. After I tried to avoid the question, she nicely, but firmly expressed that a food challenge would happen today, and I needed to go ahead and choose one.
This is not the first conversation I’ve had about challenging myself lately. In my mind, I’ve been (basically) meeting my meal plan and (basically) eating the right nutrients at the right times, and even though I have lots of guilt even after “safe” meals, that’s okay. I’m eating, so I’m recovering, right? Oh and that 3 mile run I went on the other morning? Its fine! I took a rest day after, and even went to the “easy” yoga class. So what if I’m cranky, dizzy, and sore 3 days after? That doesn’t mean I haven’t been fueling myself properly, it just means I just did too much too quickly. And I told on myself to my therapist–look! I knew it was outside my integrity! I’m recovering, right?
Wrong. “Basically” meeting my meal plan is not the same as meeting my meal plan. Eating the same thing for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, being obsessed with clean, whole, unprocessed food to the point where I refuse to try anything else, and having guilt even after eating “clean” is not living. That is not recovering. What it is, is staying in a disordered mindset where I let a voice other than my body dictate what is “okay” for me to eat. Running is not okay. I hate it. Doing it, and especially being sneaky about it, means that something ED related is driving me to do it. And that is just not okay.
Thank goodness I have a therapist and a Mom who know when and how to tell me to cut the bullshit.
Are you going to exercise? Up your intake. You don’t want to up your intake? Don’t exercise! You don’t want to be stuck in a rigid food rut? Challenge yourself. You want your period back? You want your heart rate and blood pressure to get back to normal? Eat your food. You want to be happy? Don’t give ED any room in your life.
So this brings me back to my anxiety this morning. Knowing that I would be spinning today (which means I’ll have to up my intake!) I decided to make dinner my challenge. Pasta has been a huge fear food of mine, so I blurted out that I’d get a pasta dish at dinner. I was hoping we could go to Tony’s. Its a local Italian place that uses all fresh, mostly local and organic ingredients. We’re not talking about Olive Garden or Carrabas here, y’all. Tony’s has all house made-sauces, many of which are light and clean. There’s no endless basket of greasy breadsticks, and the dishes are actually good for you, not smothered in 5 kinds of cheap, processed, chemical-filled cheese and butter. Tony’s is as as safe as pasta can get for me, plus they have a stellar wine list, and an amazing patio and view.
Side note: One of my “rules” about challenges is they have to be extra special. I don’t want to “waste” calories on something that is not top of the line perfection. Ex. my first hamburger had to be from Urban Stack because they’re the best in town. Dessert can’t be just any old brownie, cookie, or cupcake. Rather, it would have to be specially made from a fancy restaurant/gelato place/ice cream shop for me to really enjoy it, or feel like it is “worth” eating.
Anyway, we discovered that we couldn’t go to Tony’s and make the movie, so my sister suggested a nearby italian place. After a quick once-over of the menu, I knew I wouldn’t be able to do it. *Key panic*. I begged to go somewhere else, promising that I would get a pasta dish from somewhere else. I looked at menu after menu trying to find somewhere near our house that offered a pasta dish that seemed safe. The more I looked, the more anxious I got. Right now, I’m pretty sure that I won’t be able to do the pasta challenge tonight. I feel paralyzed, and I’m not even at the dinner table yet.
This panic just reinforces the fact that I need a serious reality check. If I really want to be transformed, I have to be willing to let go of old thought patterns. I have to be willing to embrace fear–to jump headfirst into a situation that absolutely terrifies me and see that I can make it through. Succumbing to fears only reinforces lies I’ve told myself for years. The lies that say I’m not good enough, not brave enough, not strong enough, just not enough.
I still don’t know what will happen tonight, but I do know I’m going to need some serious thoughts and prayers.
Sorry for the random, rambling post. If anyone can relate, I’d love to hear from you! I hope you all have a wonderful rest of your Friday, and a great weekend!!
Have you had a reality check recently? How did you handle it?
Who in your life can you count on to give you tough love?
Have you ever gone to a class just because the instructor was adorable?