Hola friends!
Its Friday–who’s excited?! Any fun weekend plans?
I should be getting pumped for a fun-filled Friday night–
Arden and I are trying out the “raunchy ride” at a new spin studio. How fun does that sound? (Truth: my main motivation for going might be that its taught by the hottest yoga/spin instructor I’ve ever seen. #sorryimnotsorry) Then we’re meeting Mom and Dad for dinner and a movie.
This movie, to be precise. Will Ferrell and Zach Galifianakis together? I might pee in my pants.
(ps. this is the first time I tried to embed a video in a post, and its supposed to be really easy–copy and paste the URL–so hopefully it works *fingers crossed*)
It should be a really fun night!
So why I am totally and completely dreading it–sitting on my couch at 10:00am agonizing about 6:00pm?? (Its 8 hours away, y’all!) My hands are shaking, my right leg bouncing incessantly, I’m holding back tears, and my lip just started bleeding because I’ve been chewing on it so hard. I know this routine. Pretty soon all my nail polish will be picked off, my newly manicured cuticles will be bleeding and chewed to oblivion. It’ll be another two weeks before they’re back to normal (and that’s only if I can go two weeks without another episode like this one).
Bye, bye pretty self-mani 
My mom this morning asked if I would be up to a food challenge today. After I tried to avoid the question, she nicely, but firmly expressed that a food challenge would happen today, and I needed to go ahead and choose one.
This is not the first conversation I’ve had about challenging myself lately. In my mind, I’ve been (basically) meeting my meal plan and (basically) eating the right nutrients at the right times, and even though I have lots of guilt even after “safe” meals, that’s okay. I’m eating, so I’m recovering, right? Oh and that 3 mile run I went on the other morning? Its fine! I took a rest day after, and even went to the “easy” yoga class. So what if I’m cranky, dizzy, and sore 3 days after? That doesn’t mean I haven’t been fueling myself properly, it just means I just did too much too quickly. And I told on myself to my therapist–look! I knew it was outside my integrity! I’m recovering, right?
Wrong. “Basically” meeting my meal plan is not the same as meeting my meal plan. Eating the same thing for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, being obsessed with clean, whole, unprocessed food to the point where I refuse to try anything else, and having guilt even after eating “clean” is not living. That is not recovering. What it is, is staying in a disordered mindset where I let a voice other than my body dictate what is “okay” for me to eat. Running is not okay. I hate it. Doing it, and especially being sneaky about it, means that something ED related is driving me to do it. And that is just not okay.
Thank goodness I have a therapist and a Mom who know when and how to tell me to cut the bullshit.
Tough love, baby.
Are you going to exercise? Up your intake. You don’t want to up your intake? Don’t exercise! You don’t want to be stuck in a rigid food rut? Challenge yourself. You want your period back? You want your heart rate and blood pressure to get back to normal? Eat your food. You want to be happy? Don’t give ED any room in your life.
So this brings me back to my anxiety this morning. Knowing that I would be spinning today (which means I’ll have to up my intake!) I decided to make dinner my challenge. Pasta has been a huge fear food of mine, so I blurted out that I’d get a pasta dish at dinner. I was hoping we could go to Tony’s. Its a local Italian place that uses all fresh, mostly local and organic ingredients. We’re not talking about Olive Garden or Carrabas here, y’all. Tony’s has all house made-sauces, many of which are light and clean. There’s no endless basket of greasy breadsticks, and the dishes are actually good for you, not smothered in 5 kinds of cheap, processed, chemical-filled cheese and butter. Tony’s is as as safe as pasta can get for me, plus they have a stellar wine list, and an amazing patio and view.
Side note: One of my “rules” about challenges is they have to be extra special. I don’t want to “waste” calories on something that is not top of the line perfection. Ex. my first hamburger had to be from Urban Stack because they’re the best in town. Dessert can’t be just any old brownie, cookie, or cupcake. Rather, it would have to be specially made from a fancy restaurant/gelato place/ice cream shop for me to really enjoy it, or feel like it is “worth” eating.
Anyway, we discovered that we couldn’t go to Tony’s and make the movie, so my sister suggested a nearby italian place. After a quick once-over of the menu, I knew I wouldn’t be able to do it. *Key panic*. I begged to go somewhere else, promising that I would get a pasta dish from somewhere else. I looked at menu after menu trying to find somewhere near our house that offered a pasta dish that seemed safe. The more I looked, the more anxious I got. Right now, I’m pretty sure that I won’t be able to do the pasta challenge tonight. I feel paralyzed, and I’m not even at the dinner table yet.
This panic just reinforces the fact that I need a serious reality check. If I really want to be transformed, I have to be willing to let go of old thought patterns. I have to be willing to embrace fear–to jump headfirst into a situation that absolutely terrifies me and see that I can make it through. Succumbing to fears only reinforces lies I’ve told myself for years. The lies that say I’m not good enough, not brave enough, not strong enough, just not enough.
I still don’t know what will happen tonight, but I do know I’m going to need some serious thoughts and prayers.
Sorry for the random, rambling post. If anyone can relate, I’d love to hear from you! I hope you all have a wonderful rest of your Friday, and a great weekend!!
xoxo
Have you had a reality check recently? How did you handle it?
Who in your life can you count on to give you tough love?
Have you ever gone to a class just because the instructor was adorable?
All I can say is…YOU CAN DO THIS GIRL! I have the utmost faith in your drive to recover. Just think of this as one step closer to being healthy, one step closer to being free of anxiety. Don’t think of the pasta as calories or even as food….think of it as FREEDOM.
You’ve got this! Just the fact that you are acknowledging every thought you are having about this is a huge step! Try not to focus so much on the food but on the company you will be with! It sounds like you have an extremely supportive family, so I’m sure they will keep the conversation light! A dietician once reminded me (and I always think about this) to be mindful when eating (which is sooo hard, I know). Just because you order pasta does not mean you are required to eat the entire plate! When you pair a small portion with a side salad and a small piece of bread you’ve met your exchanges!
You are doing an amazing job keeping yourself moving in the right direction! This is just one more giant step towards owning your life!
I can’t wait to hear how it goes for you! You will be in my thoughts!
I’ll be thinking of you Sloane!! This is the next step towards recovery for you – it need to happen!
Believe me, being ED free is worth every uncomfortable feeling, every negative thought, and every anxious moment. This is what you need to do to continue your journey to recovery!!
Good luck hunny!
YOU GO GIRL. i am sending so many good vibes your way tonight it is crazy. you are lucky to have a therapist and mom who know your weak points. What got me through some of the hardest recovery points and tests was a strong accountability partner. I would make sure to have a friend who I told to challenge me. it helped a lot, a whole lot. it may be tough but remember the food will do nothing to you. don’t let it take your power.
aaaah girl I know exactly how you feel right now! Challenges are TOUGH. And I was the same way – if I’m going to eat something, it better as hell be high quality. But I do think that you should go through with the challenge no matter what – I know for me, if I backed out of something like that (and I have), I would just end up feeling guilty and like a failure (and I definitely have). So I think yes, even if it’s not an “ideal” restaurant, all that does is add to the challenge! and you can feel THAT much more successful for accomplishing of it. Anyway, I’m definitely thinking of you, praying for you, and cheering you on! let us know how it all goes down <3
I’m setting the same pasta goal but also want to do it at a local Italian place we have a groupon for! I challenged myself to having a burger…at mcdonalds that isn’t even that good:/ I wanna just have stuff I LOVE!
Thank you for this honesty in your post!! You are much stronger than you even know to be sharing this with people!
I know exactly how you are feeling, because I am struggling with the same things! I know that we can both do this. We just need to take that plunge and feel the anxiety and uncomfortable feelings that come with these challenges. I know it is hard, but it is worth it to recover. Feel free to e-mail me if you want to chat.<3
You can do this Sloane! You have come such a long way in your recovery, and have become such a stronger person because of it. I haven’t shared this with anyone, but i want to be honest with you ((all your honesty is having such an impact on me)). I lost my period a couple months ago. Do I know it’s from not eating enough calories with the amount of exercise i do daily? No, but do i think that’s the reason.. absolutely! I only wish i had enough bravery as you do to stop high intensity workouts on a daily basis. I have this fear that giving up workouts will only cause me to be stressed & unhappy. I can’t imagine feeling this way, and the way it may affect my emotions towards my husband. By telling myself it’s not fair to him, only makes it a bigger reason too not stop. I wish it were easy to just up my calorie intake & call it a day. I know i need to be at 2500, but it just seems like such an outrageous & high number. I try and try daily, but have yet to reach the goal. I’m not sure what to eat, what other foods to add to my diet. Last night I had the easiest opportunity to do so. I made lasagna. Instead of enjoying it, I was wondering if this would help my intake it. I couldn’t enjoy it to the extent i wanted. I get so mad at myself for every letting my body get to the pt where it is today. I often ask myself, “how and when” did this happen?? Enough about me though… I really hope you were able to go through with your challenge last night. It would be yet another amazing stepping stone for you, that you so deeply deserve. You are beautiful Sloane, and just know you can’t change yourself overnight, but you can continue to take baby steps in the right direction on a daily basis.
Sorry its taken me so long to reply to this comment! Thank you for opening up to me–I totally understand the fear of easing up workouts and what that might do to you mentally and physically. Its a huge stress reliever, and it can be scary to think that you might have to find other (healthier?) ways of dealing with stress. I know I never believed anything else would work. I really encourage you to seek out a nutritionist if you’re having trouble figuring out what foods to add to your diet. They can be so incredibly helpful, and can make a plan to slowly and steadily increase your intake and make sure you’re getting all the proper nutrients to support a really active lifestyle. Plans always help me feel less lost and helpless, and I really think this could help you. As far as workouts, maybe just start with baby steps? If you do a lot of HIIT training, Insanity, Crossfit, P90X, high intensity cardio circuits, you can lose your period even if you eat a healthy amount of food because those type workouts can mess with your hormones since they all target fat cells (which your hormones are made of!). Maybe switch to strength training a few times a week, or decrease your time by 10 or 15 minutes. Sorry if you know all of this already, but I hate hearing that you’re having a mental struggle! You’re so beautiful and so strong, and its speaks volumes that you are listening to your body and know something is a little off. Thank you for all your wonderful support–now give some of that love to yourself!
Thank you so much for writing back to me hunnie. All your words mean so much to me, and are so helpful even if I do know most of it. It’s just wonderful that you took the time out to reach out & help. I can’t thank you enough. <3
Okay,this comes too late actually and I know it,but after reading this post,I couldn’t just leave without commenting,really.
I know exactly how you felt yesterday and how awful,frustrating and terrifying such situations can be,but believe me,you can overcome them! Personally,I always freak out in advance but then,when the moment is finally there and I put xy in mouth,chew and swallow it and realize “WOW,it doesn’t kill me!”,I can only shake my head in the face of my naive stupidity. After all,it is only FOOD,no poison… It’s just that we make ourselves believe it is.
I hope you’re well and yesterday night went alright. You CAN get through this,always remember!
I desperately needed to see this. My mom and I have a mantra (and I can only hear it from her…anyone else pisses me off because they don’t know where its coming from) that she tells me whenever she can see that I’m making a situation out to be far more confusing and scary than it is. She just comes over, puts her hand on my back and says “Sloane, just eat the food.” And I know she’s not being hateful or frustrated or not understanding. She means put the food in your mouth, get it into your body, then we can deal with the feelings after. Thank you again for your empowering words of support!! Have a great Sunday
Just read this, but I have confidence that you met your challenge!!! Love you~
WOW, Sloane. You are so open and honest – and that IS part of recovery. You’re amazing. Seriously, girl! I know how you feel – I’ve been there too. Keep doing the opposite of what ED wants you to do. That is your ticket to freedom and happiness – a chain-free life without ED! I know you can do this!! <3 Sending you so much love and hugs and prayers.
Have you read any books by Jenni Schaefer? She is a recovered woman who is an incredible writer and speaker. I saw her speak at my school two years ago and her books are amazing. I would TOTALLY recommend reading Goodbye Ed, Hello Me.
http://www.jennischaefer.com/
Thank you so much for your comment! I can’t tell you how much i appreciate the good vibes! I love Jenni’s books–I read her first one several years ago, and actually just finished Goodbye Ed, Hello Me. Its phenomenal–I’m so jealous you got to hear her speak! Thanks for the recommendation, and have a great week